Monday, May 14, 2012

My Dog the Dick.

This is my dog, Arlo:

He's a dick.

Well, technically, he's a bull mastiff...

...that acts like a dick.

I know. You're upset. He's cute...look at that face! He wears a neckerchief so handsomely. How dapper! How lovable! Well, yes. Those are all true statements. But, please. Let me present my case...

Exhibit A - Horrible Wing-man

That picture taken above? I had a treat in my hand. He's looking at it; longing for it.

Don't worry. He got the treat.

But take him to the park for a walk and hope he'll be this alluring to attract the attention of girls with whom I can then use my endless charm to chat up?

See, Arlo has this thing where he's large enough that women fear the shit out of him. This isn't helped by the fact that standing next to me makes him look about a foot taller than he is. It gives him a complex, and I already have one.

On top of that, when you're at the park most of the girls you'd want to "chat up" are jogging, or in my case, MILFs with strollers. And, like vacuum cleaners, lawn mowers, road signs, cars, bikers, mailmen, police officers, cats, animals on TV and buses, children and joggers are on Arlo's shit list. He wants to kill them. Seriously.

Kill them.

Or at least play with them very hard.

So, imagine my surprise when, walking him next to the jogging path at Liberty Park, a leggy blonde sassy lass bound past us as Arlo leaped at her, snarling. I somehow kept him from taking her down like a lion takes down an impala by raising my arms up and away as far as I could and spreading out like an Oompa Loompa playing Simon Says as she spryly hopped out of the way, screaming. Flustered and with a pulled groin muscle, I muttered a hesitant, "Nnngghh...sorry," holding my retarded pose as she recovered and ran off, yelling, "Watch your dog, asshole!"

I made my way back to the car quickly, head down with Arlo in tow. He, on the other hand had become excited by this event and was looking for his next victim. As a result, he refused to get into the car until I threw a treat in it and then picked his hind end up, pushing him into the back of the car. This resulted in him crop dusting me with an ever so passive-aggressive "Pffft" that was 2 inches from my face as I lifted him up.

Verdict: Dick.

Exhibit B - Horrible Passenger

Arlo likes car rides; especially with the windows down. This allows him to stick his head out of the windows, one at a time and check out the sites as we drive by them. Endearing, right? 

Watch the video. 

That's him trying to bite everything we pass. Arlo doesn't discriminate, either. Not shown are the sign posts, street lights and bikers he will try to get as we drive past them.

This is tame. If there are kids in a car we are passing or in a car that's stopped at a light next to us, he goes ape-shit. I just don't have the gall to film him while he's doing it. Once we passed a school bus full of kids. He barked and snarled as he tried to bite the bus repeatedly. Kids screamed. I heard them.

Verdict: Dick (but I like it when kids scream)

Exhibit C - Horrible Spooner 

Yes, I spoon with my dog. I'm divorced. Cut me some slack. 

Correction: Arlo is a great long as you stay awake when you're spooning him. But fall asleep and he becomes the Jekyll and Hide of spooners. He's spooner-turned-date-rapist. He foregoes all etiquette and unspoken rules of spooning. 

I held my end of the spoon-bargain; woke up right where I started. See where is ass is in that photo? That's where my head was when I woke up. I took this photo as evidence and cowered in a cold shower afterward. 

At least he looks pleased. Tongue's out. Ears are up. Maybe he's dreaming of that blonde in the park. I guess that's some solace. 

Verdict: Dick A-hole

Exhibit D, E, F.... - Quick Dick-isms

  1. While hiking, Arlo wanted to eat a dead rodent on the trail. I told him to leave it, and he did (good dog!), but to hell with any other dog that would want to eat it. He pissed on it and headed up the trail. 
  2. I took him to a friend's house once to watch a movie with a group of people. He cleared the room with his gas to the point that the host excused herself and went to bed early. 
  3. He laughs at funerals.

In Conclusion

So, my dog's a dick. But, it's endearing. What can I learn from this? Well, for one, I wish I was more like my dog. Like the honey badger, Arlo don't give a shit. Therefore, I aim to give a little less of a shit from now on.

Friday, April 20, 2012


The ghosts of stories past are known
As Lavender, Purple and Spring
We hear of them and meet eyes
And shudder
And believe

I see you then as I always have
And wish that you saw me
As more than a ghost
As more than I may be

Who are the ghosts of us
And who will we be
Will men tell tales of the tragedy
That we failed to come clean

I won't have been a comedian
And you wouldn't have laughed at me
But we'll both have been actors
On a stage only I could see

I love you now as I always have
And wish that you loved me
For what I may become
For what I may already be

Who are the ghosts of us
And who will we be
Will men tell tales of the tragedy
That we failed to come clean